Two weeks ago...

     Here I sit, staring at the computer screen, my mind racing with thoughts to share with you all.  There has been A LOT going on, at least in my world and brain... Exactly 2 weeks ago, I was in an ambulance...now I sit here typing, and have not been intoxicated in 12 days! ( thank you Lord!)  My daughter calls it 13 days, but I can not, as today is not over.  She is so excited.  There are no unexplained bruises or gashes, from crashing into furniture or falling, on my body, no evening I don't remember, no conversation I don't remember, my body does not hurt as bad, my head is not racing as fast, and the alcoholic in my head is not screaming at me as loudly. (thank you Jesus)  I am still suffering form muscle jerks, and some cravings, not as bad as before, they are still there, I am thankful they have diminished, and not totally discouraged that they still remain.  I am not giving up  I have not been sober for this amount of time in years, I want to never go back.  Please keep praying!

     I want to share with you some thoughts I have had over the last couple weeks... messages I have heard, comments that have been shared, things I have read... I hope I can get to them all...

     I heard a sermon on Christmas Day, a couple of them actually.  One was on Hark the Herald Angels Sing, written in the 1700's... I listened as it went stanza by stanza, defining the message in that song.  It was strange and awesome, all at the same time... I know that song by heart, a lot of us do, and for most of us they are just words we sing during the Christmas season in the order they were written.  This sermon tho, explained it all, and got me really thinking about God, Jesus, being born into human flesh, how Holy the Conception was, and IS!  How Mary must have felt, carrying and giving birth the Immanuel.  Knowing his purpose.  How His Father felt, knowing he had sent his only Son to share, save, perform miracles, preach, gather a following, and ultimately DIE, a human sacrifice!  I thought about my children, the pain and agony I would go through if they were to be a sacrifice, I know I couldn't handle it!  I thought about Jesus' dimpled little baby feet, kicking around in his swaddling blanket, his little feet learning to walk... his brand new pair of baby sandals... yes, his little tiny feet that would one day be pierced by a huge spike.  I thought about his chubby little hands with pink newborn fingers, wrapping around Mary and Joseph's finger, hands that would do carpentry, hands that would heal the sick and raise the dead... yes, his chubby little baby hands that would one day be scarred.  I thought about his tiny little precious face and body, the smell of a newborn, baby lips, baby curls... a body that would take him to many places doing remarkable things.  Yes, his tiny little body that would one day be BEATEN beyond recognition, flesh torn away from muscle, flesh turned into ground meat.  I say all of this because there was a comment in the sermon that went something like this...

     At this time of year, it is easy to accept Jesus as a baby, in a manger and profess to know the true meaning of Christmas.  If you accept him in the manger, do you accept what he did on the cross, do you accept Him for what he did on the cross for you?  Without that first Christmas, there would be no Cross.

     So, not only do I thank God for the Christmas season, I now thank him for The First Christmas!  Without God's sacrifice, without Jesus, I , we, would never have a chance to be intimately forgiven, he was the one true and everlasting Sacrifice... My sacrifice... Your Sacrifice

     I have also been reading a book, I picked up two, and really thought I would read The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven first, and 23 Minutes in Hell last.  I met the family who's son went to heaven, I am sure I will have questions for him soon, his brother played football this past fall with my son, and he is wise beyond his years although his human form is bound to a wheelchair for life (he suffered internal decapitation) God is and will continue to use that young man!  I have read about 13 pages of 23 Minutes in Hell, and I can already tell you... 12 days ago, I thought I was going through hell, well let me tell ya, after just cracking the cover, my hell is nothing compared what is waiting for the unsaved man!  I am sure I don't want to go there, not that I was scared into being saved, it just got me comparing what I thought was the worst time in my existence, (which is here on earth) to spending an eternity in hell, no relief, no sanctuary, constant torment!  It is a way of existence that Jesus wants for none of us, and yet exists because not all mankind will accept him.  I hear people say I believe in Jesus, and that's great, yet so does the devil!  I will keep reading my books, and share more with you...

     I also have been reading, almost studying some words of wisdom shared with me, and am slowly finding strength to do "new, old" things.  The things I enjoy doing most right now are OUT of the house, that is where I find a little pep in my step, feel like I can hold my head up a little more, sing my praise and worship with the radio, as I don't have any CD's at my fingertips yet, outside those four walls, which can be a constant reminder!  Here is some advice from a wise man that was shared personally to and for me...

 Faith

"I know you have been down for a while... that doesn't mean you are down and out! Keep you faith in Christ, His power is measureless, you will never know how powerful Christ is if you restrict his will. God desires for you to conquer the battle over alcohol. We have a tendency to allow God to work within perimeters and when he moves us outside those made-up perimeters we tend to pull back as if we are losing control.  I encourage you to explore different avenues to find God and spiritual strength. Try reading a Christian book or listening to an audio book. Anything to keep your mind from wondering. The wondering mind: It's what gets many of us into trouble (be)cause we don't know how to deal with it, for most it Satan's tool for distraction. The most important step to personal integrity is to begin working on controlling our minds. Scripture says that we are to Love God with all of our Heart, Soul, and ...? (mind) Many of us forget that we can control our minds. For most of our lives we have trained our mind to do things the way we like and prefer things to be done. After a while our minds can work on auto-pilot for us (ie... it doesn't take the same strength it originally did because the mind is finding an easier way to cope with the task it has been presented with) It has adapted. When a new Christian is faced with changing their lives and finding a new way to think it is often difficult because 99% of their lives have been spent denying God and his will,and now they are told to obey it! It takes time to retrain the way you think and do things. For most this does not come easy but for those who put the hard work in, great rewards will come. Jann, I love you, always have, always will. I hate seeing you struggle... I know you are seeking strength, it is perfectly fine to seek strength in God and other people, but don't become discouraged because the change isn't happening fast enough. It takes time to change but you have to truly desire that change from the innermost part of who you are. Christ can change you and remake you. In fact he can make you so beautiful that you would never go back to a life of sin (holy)! Keep Working and Don't Give Up!!"           Pretty smart huh?  I have read that about 20+ times, and find encouragement in it each time, I try not to allow my mind to become idle, or wonder, I try and go to bed earlier, wake earlier, conversate more, (well a little), and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one hour, one day at a time, praying, and when I have nothing else to physically say to the Lord, I try and remember to say, and sometimes cry out, HOLY!   That, for me, allows the communication lines to remain open between Jesus and me.  He really is never far away from us, and in that I will continue my journey in being.............................highandliftedup   Love J

 

    

psst.... Over here

     Wondering where I have been, what, you too?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  Actually, I know where I have been, falling, failing...again.  Again?  Really?  Yes, again.

     I had been doing well, my husband had just told me right before my downward spiral how proud of me he was.  I smiled a half smile and went on.  I overheard a conversation that was about me, but not meant for me, it bugged me, stayed with me, and ate at me.  The self talk began creeping in.  Right along with the self chatter came satan... ROARING back at me... I was too overwhelmed, too exhausted to fight.  Too tired to fight the drink, too tired to fight the knife.

     I had failed again, and I could not stand the feeling of being ashamed, angry, embarrassed, and worthless... the flow of my blood, my life's force began to pour out into the sink.  I remember very little, the bright lights of the hospital, someone saying, I remember her from last time...  they wrapped my open wounds and bound me to the bed, I fought very little, I was just too tired. 
 

     Before I knew what had happened, everyone else knew, had been called, contacted and from what I am told, which I believe, praying!  I was so very very lost, weak, and broken.  I was moved to an observation room on the 2nd floor of the hospital, an STNA was designated to be my "sitter"  Each time I woke, writhing in pain from my wrists, that had once again glued back togetherr, or from the hangover/withdrawal, there she sat...in my mind judging me.  I was and AM so remorseful... how could I do this again, be here again, put all who loved and were praying for me through this again?!?!?  I just couldn't understand.

     Late in the morning my husband came in to see me, he brought a guest... My brother, Bob... he told Uncle Sam he was taking the day off, came up to be with my husband, kids, and me?!?!?  I also learned that my husband had taken the day off, my mother had as well to stay with my kids.  I was grateful, grateful that they had someone because I had failed them AGAIN!!   I could only cry and say I was sorry, I held onto my brother, and my husband, we spoke to the doctor, and I had already talked to a drug and alcohol counselor before my family had gotten to the hospital.  We set up and assessment for the coming Tuesday, something I thought I did not need in the past, but now knew this was a game changer, a plan changer, I HAVE TO DO A PROGRAM if I am to have any chance of living a sober, safer, happier life... a life with and in Christ.

     The following day, after I got out of the hospital, was our family Christmas, it was to be at my brother's house... I asked if he was sure he wanted me there, I was so very low, and didn't want to be a reminder to anyone about the "Christmasless" spirit I was enduring... Bob reassured me he wanted us all there.  I smiled, I was so nervous about going, but happy that once again God sparred me from my own foolishness, to allow me this opportunity to spend time with my family.  We all went, and had a wonderful time.  My Aunt was there, dropping off a package, and waiting for me, I had been on the phone with her while trying to drain my life. (a terrible thing to do to her or anyone, and I am truly sorry for making her endure it, but thank her for calling the authorities)  She hugged me, we cried, all I could say was that I was sorry... My Uncle was also there, I apologized to him for putting him and his wife through this, he hugged me, we cried, love was there!

     We had a great Christmas celebration together, ate, opened gifts, and played PIT... I didn't want to play at first, I was a little uneasy at being at the normal table, I am anything but normal, I didn't deserve to be happy and play, I would make them all feel uneasy and the moment of "fun" for all would just pass away.... selftalk  They welcomed me with open arms, I can not tell you how many rounds we played, but I felt real smiles and laughter fill my spirit, nothing was forced, it was wonderful!

     Not too long after we began the trip back home, it was a long hour and a half for me, it was my dark hour.  The time when my body began to hurt, my thoughts race, my mouth water and dry out, my hands shake, my leg muscles tremor and jerk... I HATE THIS!!  I waited as long as I could and took my alcohol withdrawal medicine.  It helped with the physical, not the mental... I begged my husband for a drink, just to make the pain stop, he would not oblige.  I , we, were going to have to just deal.  It made me thoroughly ticked off!  How can he do this to me, he has NO idea what I am going through, what I am feeling, what a JERK!  Soon I found out that he had taken some time off (due to his anxiety and blood pressure), I would not be alone, have any "alone" time until after the new year... how could he??

     Each passing evening was complete torment, I was miserable, the alcoholic in my head was screaming louder than I could think, it was awful!!  My assessment day finally came, it was an hour and a half appointment, I thought I would be nervous, and I probably was I suppose, but more than that I felt relief.  I met my new alkie counselor, she was pretty awesome, and was happy with where I was in my recovery, which to me only felt as though I had but just one foot on the bottom ladder wrung.  But she told me, I was making progress, that I was there, that I was not in hiding, that I had been drink free for several days, that I can openly admit I am powerless over alcohol, I will never be a just one or two drink kind of person, and I knew it.  Progress because I wanted to stay QUIT. 

     Of course I qualify for their programs, I meet all the criteria, Yeah me, you go Jann! (BLERG)  When I know what kind of program they recommend I will let ya know, probably a padded cell...  She told me about a drug that she recommended, it was one my Fam Doc and I had talked about and had hoped we didn't have to go there, but guess what... we had to go there.  The day after my assessment, I had a Fam Doc appt.  He already knew what had happened, and I was terrified to see him, but I knew I had to go... we talked, I cried, and he agreed to put me on Campryll, med number 4, all at the same time, this one is to help diminish cravings, 2 pills, 3 times a day, along with the other prescriptions, 11 pills a day in all, how long I will have to be on them, I don't know, I see my family doctor next week and he will evaluate my progress.

     Some days I feel that God is so far away from me, how can He love me still?  I know he does, but I am still trying to figure it all out.  A part of me feels like I need to do something for Him in order to be worthy of His love... But there is nothing I have to offer, He already sent His Son to die for me, to wash me, and cleanse me.  I do know I need and want to get better in able to serve him.  I pray for strength, for one day I hope to turn this trial into a testimony, that these scars I bare will one day have purpose... and if I am able one day to raise awareness to just one person, to thwart some one's road to addiction or suicide, I will have been blessed beyond all measure, and if my path in life is to become a sober mom and wife, for my kids and husband to not have to worry, then again I will be blessed! 

     Have a very Merry CHRISTmas, let us all be ................................highandliftedup!  love J
    

      

Prospective....

Hello all, Thank you all for your prayers and comments... I have not forgotten about my blog, I am just trying to find words to describe my last few weeks... many days blanketed in darkness and distraction...some days there is light... keep me, us, all in your thoughts and prayers!  Will bring you all up to speed very soon... Love J

Progress?!?!

     The day I did something a lil different...

     So, as you know, Monday and Tuesday I was in quite a funk, I had listened to my dad, and called the Doctor to move my appt up by a whole week.  I was supposed to see my Christian Counselor today, (Thursday) but moved it to Tuesday, the only thing she had was 8:30pm, my darkest hour... it had been so dark in the house because of the weather, I turned the lamps on early in the afternoon instead of wallering on the couch in guilt and remorse, feeling just as dark.  I shared my story with a near stranger, she reciprocated, and shared hers, Matt's ear drum ruptured, an easy excuse for the darker Jann to cancel her late evening session, Matt needs me, he is in pain, what if... what if, what if.... No, I have to go, Daddy can handle this for an hour, I HAVE to start taking care of me!

     My counseling session was good, and a little scary.  She put together all the little different changes I had made even through my bad days, she was seemingly proud or excited, I know I was when she pointed it out.  We finished, and made my appt for the next week... TUESDAY: 8:30pm!!  I made that decision too! Yeah!...................................

     (Sidebar, I had to cancel my counseling appointment this week, my sons other ear drum ruptured, and daddy was working late, surgery tomorrow!  Another thing that got me down was I was at work and there were 5 days worth of newspapers laying there, I randomly picked one up waiting on staff to get his paperwork done, I opened it and low and behold there was my name under the Municipal Court Charges... 2 months after it had happened, I thought... ugh that devil is really trying to get to me... after a day or two, I finally LET it get to me, humiliation all over again... I sat in this funk for a few days and it was like God had reminded me that I CAN NOT change the past!)

     It has been a week and 1 day since I started this particular blog, I just couldn't seem to finish it.  My thoughts just seem to become muddled, my prayers wordless.  I was praying in the spirit because my physical body could not, I had reached out a couple times and asked for people to pray with me on the phone, I was empty, and self talk was making a come back.  I was beginning to listen...UGH!

     When I was young I never let anything sit on top my Bible, one day last week my Bible was on the table and my son's shoe was on it, I thought... huh, God's path, I must walk, a couple days later there was my Bible on the end table with a LOAF OF BREAD on it... again I thought, Food for the soul!  A few days later, again there was my Bible with a mint on it... a mint you ask?!?!... a mint that I had been given on the day I first attended Sunday Church in a long long time... I thought to myself... I need to get back!  I had been scheduled to work on all the days there was Bible study and Church... I need to be there, it feeds me, soothes me, speaks to me, comforts me, comforts me, comforts ME!  So this last Sunday I went!  Success!

     I woke today around 4 am, couldn't sleep, came out to the couch and had a devotion... I read something I had never read before, it was a quote... it said... "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it!  Wow, that was quite a wake up call!  I know I have prayed a lot since I have told of my addiction, but I find myself sometimes kind of whining about it as well, that is NOT helping, so for now... I am going to press on, pray about it more than I talk about it and that will help me on my journey of becoming .......................................highandliftedup

   

Thank you

Another Day...

     Thanksgiving was wonderful!  It was great being there, with family, and not hiding from them.  I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, all good days!  Monday came, I was feeling low, Dad called, asked how I was, I said fine, although he could probably hear in my voice that I was not.  Night time fell...my worst hours when I am home.  I was still weaning from my addiction, but last night I just threw that out the window, FAIL!  I felt so desperate and alone, hurting, the pain, the self talk was just to heavy for me to bare, I knew what I should have done, but chose not to listen or do any of the right things.

     I did pick up the phone and called my brother, I was crying, he talked with me, then said I needed to call BEFORE I picked up the poison... CLICK!  I in my arrogance hung up on him, that comment made me mad. (AA statement grrrrr)   He called back and asked if I had hung up on him, I said yep... we talked for a bit more, and he offered to pray with me, he did, thanks Roo!  We said our good byes and hung up, together this time!

      I called dad, I was hitting the bottom again, UGH, again, I am so tired of this spot! We talked for a bit, I do feel bad for calling him late, but am thankful he was there at that moment with me, Thanks Dad!

     Dad called me this morning to check in with me, I am feeling low and guilty, and sad.  I just sat down and cried with him on the phone.  "Dad," I said, "I hate this, it is so hard, I don't know what to do, I just can't take it anymore". He as when I go back to the Doctor, I told him the 9th, he said that was not too far away, but with what I am dealing with I should get in sooner, so now I go Friday... Thanks Dad!

     This morning, I woke still feeling really lousy, walked into the bathroom and heard Matt crying and banging on his bedroom wall, I rushed in and he told me his ear was hurting, I picked him up and knew right away he had a fever so my lil booger was going to be home with me.  We rested together on the couch, cuddled up, that made me smile, a lil sunshine coming through. Later in the afternoon we had a woman coming to do an evaluation on Matt to see if he still qualified for the funding for his school, I didn't know what to expect so I was a little nervous. (I knew the evaluator, not well but felt comfortable with her) So, I got my nudest dressed and prayed he would stay dressed while she was here, Matt dressed, I showered, and we waited for her arrival.

     Our visitor came in and we began the questions, what Matt can and can't do YET.  We would go off on little sidebars and chit chat like mommas do, and then return to more questions.  After if was over, we chatted some more and I felt the urge to share my new journey.  Why?  I didn't know, I just did, I felt safe and comfortable, I cried as I talked of my downfalls and shortcomings and my anger with God, how I just finally gave it all to him, that my dad was just my DAD now, all the pain I had for him was gone, taken in an instant.  She shared somethings with me to, we both have children with disabilities, and she too had been angry with God.  She shared things with me she says she never tells anyone, and I had done the same, when she left, I was feeling better, I think Jesus was here and led us to that conversation, Thank you new friend, and thank you Jesus!

     Please pray for Matthew, his eardrum ruptured this afternoon and his tube blew out, (He is on his 4th set of tubes as it is) he sees the ENT surgeon tomorrow morning at 8:30am, hopefully they can get him cleared up and scheduled ASAP if they are going to put the tubes back in.  He is in a lot of pain, so pray for him....and me too, so that we may be ....................................................highandliftedup

God's Gracious Gift

     I have been gone for a couple days... working... that is a good thing... gets me out of these four walls, and I love my job working in Group Homes for Special Needs adults, it is hard and rewarding work!  I look at it differently now though, I think of all the time I had wasted, wonder what any one of them would have done if one of my clients had my gifts to walk, talk, see, feel, sleep, use a regular bathroom, feed themselves, shower on their own, drive, make decisions on their own and dress independently... Makes me very sad of that time that I will not get back, so I will try and do more with the time ahead of me!

     DAY 5...
     I found myself in the shower after God had woke me up to be with him... it was a different feeling, usually in the morning shower I am hanging on to the walls because I was so dizzy, it felt as though I would fall, not this morning, I realized I was making plans for when I got off work at 5 that day... I was not mentally taking "alcohol inventory" (how much did I drink, how much do I have left, do I have time to go to the store), I was thinking..."When I get home I need to get the boys church clothes together so we are not running around like chickens with our heads chopped off!  WHAT?!? I talked to my dad later and told him of that thought, and how and that moment I realized my thought patterns are beginning to change!  I was so excited, don't get me wrong I still have my battles, but I have to admit it is nice to not be thinking about the drink all the time... Jesus is not only changing my sleep pattern but my thought process too!  Thank you Jesus.  When I got home, I did just that, I was not staring at the clock, waiting for time to pass, I started going though their clothes, cleaning out their drawers, moving in the winter clothes and taking out the summer, before I would just SMASH them all in because I was too tired or sick feeling.  I pulled out 2 cute guy outfits, socks and dress shoes...YEAH mission accomplished... may not seem like much, but even then Jesus was their with me, rooting for me!

     Day 6...

     Sunday was a different day too, I was up before the rest of my family, READY TO GO to CHURCH!  It was early though, I had my talk with Jesus, messed around on FB and so on... the lil guys woke first... I stuck them right in the bath, and got them dressed, then I showered and dressed, I could hear Kate upstairs getting ready, she was looking forward to going!  Brock finally emerged from his room downstairs, dressed and ready for church, when I told him we were going, he said COOL, that made me happy) that leaves one, daddy, he was a little slow moving... I knew he was going to go, he had promised, I also knew he was nervous, he always is in church... I felt for him, but knew I, we had to go!  He got up, dressed and at 9:15 am the family, all of us, walked out the door!  Before, I could not have been UP at this time let alone have gotten all that done if it was not for my Savior, and that is what he is, he SAVED me, yes Jann, you!

     Everyone welcomed us warmly, I felt very wonderful about being in God's house!  It was peaceful, the sense of being there, well it just felt like another piece of the puzzle had been put in place!  We went to Sunday School, Worship service, and heard the message from Pastor Greg about being a Barabbas, meaning Son of Encouragement.  That we should all be a Barabbas, and have a Barabbas in our life as well. 
 
     I got to thinking about the meaning of my name, a name I did not really care for, Janice.  Janice, meaning God's Gracious Gift....HUH think about that will ya Jann... God's Gracious Gift, Wow!  Kind of a kick in the teeth to me, I have been a gift to no one, but a no more!  I am Janice, daughter of God! and that was enough to get me through the rest of my day.........................................highandliftedup

The Doctor...and my day

Day 4...

    I went into work at 8am, having an anxiety attack over my Doctor's appointment, as much relief I had that we were going, I was extremely nervous. The reason was this Doctor is the father of a boy who is my sons very good friend, I didn't want to take 1 more thing away from my son!  However, I was trusting in the Lord that I had made the right decision.  10:15am, I leave work and make the drive back to Bellefontaine, my husband had the boys ready (we had to take them) and the van warming... I come in the house, go to get a drink of water and my hands were shaking so bad I about dropped my water bottle, whisper...calm me Jesus, give me strength to put one foot in front of the other, strength to walk through the office door... We loaded the van and made the long 2 minute drive to the Dr's office, check in and wait. anxiously....

     The nurse called us back, last chance to run Jann, nope I AM DOING THIS!  GET OUT OF MY HEAD DEVIL!  The Doc walks in, thinking the appt was for Edward... but I was the one sitting on the table.  He asked Cub how he was feeling, good he said, but the reason we are here is.... well I will let Jann explain...  Hands in jacket pocket, trembling, sweating, I looked him in the eyes, tears start flowing, "I am an alcoholic".  He too didn't scream, yell, exile me, he said...ok... and wanted to know more...I told him I wanted to talk to him for a long time, but was terrified that it would ruin the friendship our children enjoyed.  He assured me, "NAH, You don't have to worry about that".  RELIEF, another lie the devil had been telling me, another score for Jesus, me,  and sobriety!  We talked for what seemed like quite a while, I felt bad for waiting patients, but so very thankful that he gave me the time I needed, to say all I needed to say- how much, how long, suicide, the way my body was reacting, how long I had been hiding IT and myself from the world, and that I was ready to be a sober woman, wife, mother, daughter, and sister... that now I had my families support and I am walking and trusting in Jesus, and how I have put it all in his hands.  I asked about the danger of just stopping, told him I was frightened by what I had read.  STROKE SEIZURES DEATH

     It is a possibility he said, weaning was best (and I was already doing that, yeah, but the withdraw was miserable) I am intaking a small fraction compared to where I was, he was happy to hear that... Cub asked a question...how?????? something I don't remember, the Doctor said we like to use medication to help wean, decrease desire,and help with withdraw.... we were both shocked.  He explained how it worked and I was willing....3 pills a day for 5 days, then 2 for 5, and lastly, 1 for 5.  Also, an anti-depressant, I had been on them before I became an alcoholic, while was drinking, and once again, I am ok with that too, he even said after I am through this, I may not need them, as alcohol is a depressant, and I have freedom from a lot of bondage and baggage!  Great to hear!!  We left, scripts in hand, relieved that my NEW Doctor has faith in me, I have his support, and an appointment in 3 weeks!

     I went back to work so happy, turned the radio on and praised the Lord for the courage he gave me to go to the Doctor.  I called dad, to tell him how great everything went, and that I had even more hope.  Dad told me he had prayed for the Doctor that morning that he would take the time to listen, and give him wisdom to guide him, another answered prayer, dad was thrilled and told me he could hear so much hope in my voice! That made me smile!

     I woke at 3:30am, hands shaking, knots in my stomach, I prayed, and took the medicine.  Still 5 hours later, my hands are still not shaking, no sweats, chills, nausea, or cloudy head.  When Jesus came into my room at 6:30am, I gladly got up with him, prayed, talked to him and allowed him to blanket me in his love.  Unexpectedly my husband got up at 7am, not for any particular reason, but I was blessed by that because we spent the morning together!  The little guys woke about a half hour later and it was a different morning, mom and dad were up, mommy was not sick laying in the bed, another blessing!

    Short shift at work today, looking forward to it, and I will be home for dinner with my family and that is enough for me to be..............................highandliftedup

The Why's

     Day 3...

     It is just about 5 am, been up since 4, I could say that I am not sure why I keep waking so early in the morning, but the truth is I do know.  Jesus is changing me, he wakes me early to talk with him, spend time with him, to pray, he is also changing my sleep patterns, I get tired much earlier in the evening, not up till 12 or one or in the morning... drinking till numbness finally sets in to kill all the pain I had caused myself and others,  and allowed the devil cause!  Yes, Jesus is changing me! Thank you Father!  I continue to pray that changes are coming, the Bible says if you pray it, it Will come to pass, I have given myself a goal, something to work for, something I have wanted to do all my life!  I am excited about it, it is the Lord's work, he called me to when I was young, and told me that even though I had changed the course of my life that he had planned for me, He could still use ME!  In the same field, just in a different way... I look forward to that day...

     Getting Clean...

     It is not easy, it is a hard hard thing.  My tolerance level is SO high, and my body SO dependant, that the DETOX is so very painful to my body!  My hands constantly shake, my body is unable to regulate a temperature, tremors in my right arm, my brain will lock up my speech, and the fingers on my left hand will contort... not a fun way to spend time... today, I go to the Doctor, holding my husbands hand, we will finally know the truth, and we are seeking his advice on the damage I have done to my earthy body and the safety to just STOP drinking all together... (I don't get plastered anymore, I wait as long as I can in the evening, and have only a fraction of what I had before) I am afraid to STOP all together, and trust me I do, but from a medical standpoint, all I have read, it can throw you into stroke, seizure, and even worse DEATH! (SCARY STUFF)  If it is a sin that I am still drinking, then I am sorry Lord, please forgive me, set before my tattered mind a sign, or a peace over this struggle to know that surely I will not die and leave my children, husband, family and friends... there is SO much I want to do for you!  So much I want to teach my children, I want them to come to know you, I want them to see their momma be an over comer, to keep my promises to them, that I would become a sober mom!  I need you Lord right now, comfort me, HOLY HOLY HOLY, Lord, Holy Holy Holy, I trust in you, trust that you have great works in store for my family!  Watch over them now as the slumber in their beds, keep them safe today at school, stir in their spirit and let them KNOW that you are GOD!  Thank you for giving me today, for waking me and being here!  I love you Lord, use me, mold me, take me, I am your daughter, and you are my Father, Amen

                               ( Well that was unexpected, see, Jesus is just like that sometimes)

     The Why's...

     Some have asked me why, how long, how much, how often, WHY JANN, WHY?  I never really had alcohol before 2005, never gave it any thought, wouldn't know the difference between beer, vodka or whiskey... Early 2005, my husband and I were going through a really bad time... to the point he had moved out, I was being selfish, and asked him to.  That weekend I went out with a friend, to a bar, she asked what I wanted, I had NO clue!  So she guessed for me, ( NO I AM NOT BLAMING HER, let's be clear on that)  I got SO SICK, I will leave out the gory details... but I was hooked... not on the alcohol, yet, but the bar scene, I was a work from home mom, inside the same 4 walls every day, I enjoyed the conversation, the atmosphere, and I can' believe I am going to say this, but even the KARAOKE!!  I even bought my own machine! HA!  I would go on Friday or Saturday nights, sometimes my husband would go, he is not a drinker, then it became both Friday and Saturday!  Wow, did I feel like crud... that was a cycle for a bit, then I started to drink through the week after the kids went to bed, beer mostly.... that became not enough... I discovered the hard stuff.  ok ok, Back to my version of the why's,

Bad marriage

stress:

going through the adoption, are we going to be able to keep him? I worried all day about that, and sought relief at night, knowing Cub would be here in my absence

Matt's Cerebral palsy. My heart BROKE for him

My failing business due to the economy

My husbands year long Heart scare

bankruptcy- for the 2 reasons above = humiliation

anger towards Zeke's parents, our second special lil newcomer, they BEAT that 6 week old baby almost to death

hated my job

devils seeds of:

your parents divorced because of you

your dad doesn't love you

you sinned and got pregnant out of wedlock

you smoke

you had a miscarriage

a hysterectomy and no longer a true woman

God killed you Grandmother, your best friend, and Aunt Sharon

     The list can go on and on, I blamed God for all of this, turned my back on him, and the devil handed me LIQUID NUMBNESS!!  All of these lies, I gave satan the power to hold over me, the bad experiences that we had gone through I made so much bigger than what they were, I could not grieve and let it go, I could not Let Go and Let God!  I was in control, this was MY life and I was in control of NOTHING!  Anger, fear, hatred, and the drink.... they were in control!  I gave them power and control of me....

  I also was ignorant in Genes, that alcoholism is genetic, I was hard wired, so AA and science tells us, I still like blaming the devil (I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack) If I had only known then what I know now...

     In closing for now, my secrets are out there... ALL of them now, ha, and the devil can no longer hold them over me, the roots from trees that bare no fruit that had rooted through my body are shrivelled and gone, that I know! Like I said,  I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack... so I pray, and I know others are praying, supporting and loving me, with each prayer, I put on armour, with each prayer I get stronger, with each prayer my heart softens, and my armour grows thicker, my sword sharper, my mind clearer... so pray for me, help me build my shield, I will pray for you, always... today as I see the Doctor, pray.

     Headed into work, have not been there in 3 days, it just worked out that way, woohoo, I wonder if anyone will see a change?  I know I see one... if they do awesome, God is great, if not God is still great and there will be tomorrow and maybe my little light will shine on them....and they too will be...... highandliftedup

To Run or Not to Run...

Day 2....

     What a different day... last night I went to an unfamiliar Church, sat with unfamiliar people, awkward!  NOT!  I was right where I was supposed to be!  I didn't know it then, but it didn't take long to grasp the gift I had been given.  I saw a Cross draped with Jesus, a Christian Flag,  (haven't laid eyes on one in years) the hanging lights, rows of chairs... some empty, but one less because I was there... WHAT?? I was there?? How did that happen... YOGA PANTS! and the fact I didn't have to get out of them, that was going to be my excuse not to go if I had to change...

     Upon entering, I did not see the couple who invited me... it for a moment, felt like walking into an AA meeting, UGH! TORTURE, I wanted to RUN!  But there was this guy who saw me peek around the corner, looking to see if I was in the right place... he asked me if he could help me, direct me... again AA, Run Jann Run!  I didn't, I just said Bible study... I dragged myself to the front of the Sanctuary, he shook my hand and said his name was Greg, or something, I was still panicking.  I told him I was a friend of the Sterling's, and they had invited me...I still didn't see them...RUN!  He handed me a paper for the Study, and like a good student, I found a seat, behind everyone else!  Got out a pen, and opened my Bible to the Scripture that was to be discussed...1 Thessalonians 5... BORING...NOT!  First of all, I had already had that passage highlighted from a sermon probably from 16 years ago... 2nd, (I challenge you to look it up) verses 6-8 talk about drunk and sober, and yes, I know there are a couple interpretations of this, but you are talking to an alcoholic.... RUN... Nope, I had to hear this!  One thing I am learning or hearing is that if i hear it once, and then twice, in the same day and it is coming from the Lord, there has to be a purpose...something meant especially for me... Me???? the unworthy, worthless, useless alcoholic. 

     The man began service, (BTW the couple that invited me came in Lisa was working with the kids, but her husband Steve came in and sat with me, so now I am not feeling as exposed) it was an interactive Bible study, and before I knew it, Greg asked a question and an answer popped out of my mouth. (Persecution)  I was shocked, I looked for puppet strings...there were none...blerg... another answer... I looked for a remote, maybe someone was changing my channel... before I knew it, I was sharing a part of my life to STRANGERS... I am an alcoholic, I have forgotten so many promises from God... I was angry with him, ran from him, hurt everyone around me... WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?

     I don't know where I am going with all this... but I do know I was right where I was supposed to be, while in service my dad called twice (thank goodness I remembered to turn my phone off)  I called him back and told him I missed his call because I was in Church... he was thrilled... proud of me...ME?  Yes Jann, You!...

     It is another 1 hour at a time kinda day, a better, brighter day, but still up hill... I know I am not alone.... that makes a huge difference, I am expecting 2 phone calls today from two special people  I have not talked to in YEARS!!   YEAH!  in the meanwhile, I am going to try my hardest being.... highandliftedup

    

  

Day 1 AGAIN...

     Where to start... need to stop...I cry, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...Where to start...need to stop, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ... this is the way my morning started out... I can not tell you what the rest of my day will be like, it is an hour at a time day.... My name is Janice, daughter of Tom and Joellen, and Martha. Wife to Edward, and Mother to Kate, Brock, Matt, and Z. Sister to Bob and Andrew.  I am an alcoholic addict. SHEW........ I said it, I have said it before to my brother, my mother, my husband and children, and even in AA. I just want to say quickly to anyone reading this and runs at the sight and sound of AA... STOP DON'T RUN.... because I run when I hear AA too... I went for a little bit.... I sat there quietly even at my first meeting the man running the group of alkies said I was the calmest and quietest newcomer ever, that at his first meeting he was all but jumping out of his skin, I smiled, shed a tear and just listened...
               
     My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 30 days, My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 60 days, 90 days, 5 years, 7 years, 20 years.... My name is ------ I went to detox, it was the best and worst thing, people DIED there, I found God there, sobriety there.

     WHAT???? What am I doing here, I didn't crash a car like these people, I don't have any DUIs,  I am not court ordered here, I am not like these people! The anxiety AA caused me, or shall I say the anxiety I allowed AA to cause me was overwhelming, after each meeting I went to, I would stop and buy a bottle of wine...UGH...

     Definitely Not a Win!!  In fact that was a year ago, I am no closer to sobriety even now, it is another DAY 1.

     This time is different, I know it is and will be, I am not trying to get sober in secret, I have told my family and friends, I have admitted my downfalls. The devil can not hold this over me unless I allow him, unless I start self talking... (that's the worst) Self condemnation, even when you know you are forgiven, is just as damaging as the drink, I am worthless, useless, broken, unworthy of being liked and loved, forgiven, remembered... why are you here?

     In September, I was in a blind drunk, remember VERY little, the last thing I truly remember was playing Scrabble with my oldest, ... when I came to I did not know where I was... bandages everywhere, the pain, the pain the pain....... blood stained bandages covered my wrists, neck and ankles.  Where am I, what happened? What did I do? OH MY GOD what did I do... I yelled HELLO????

     After a few hellos, a beautiful woman walked into the room, "Hi sweetie, what do you need, want to make  phone call?"  Phone call? I just wanted some water, I just said ok... she helped me up, fix my "gown" and shuffle to the desk.  I turned around when the door slammed shut.... FEMALE INMATE SUICIDE... OH MY GOD what did I do?

     Some things started coming back... Ed and I had argued, I was drunk, mom came to get me and take me to her house, I asked to take a bath, she ran one for me, I got in... there was a blade... that's all I remember....

     The lady told me how much I would need to "get out", I called mom gave her the PIN to my Debit card and asked her to bring me the money and some clothes... she asked where I was, she thought I was in the hospital, and apparently I had been, I have no recollection, all I knew was that I was at the jail.  The lady walked me over to a computer, typed in some stuff and stood me against a cold white wall, FLASH, flash, turn, flash, turn, flash, turn... do you have any tattoos she asked... I said yes, FLASH!  Forever in the system, forever burned in my memory.

     I am sure through this journey I will refer to my jail bird day many a time...but for now I want to move on...

    I came home and swore to my mom, kids, husband, and myself that things would be different, better!  They weren't, I had hoped and wanted it, but addiction is a hard hard thing.

NOVEMBER... little things were changing, I would see a glimpse of God's blessings, mercy, beauty.  Things I had taken for granted, I would whisper a prayer, a start... I had not been on Facebook or talked to friends in 6 months... One November night I came home from work, and decided to get on FB... right there in front of me was a post that literally knocked me to the floor... a family member publicly professing the same addiction and overcoming it.... OH MY GOD! What DO I do?!?!?!?!?!  I called my family member ( I will keep the name to myself until I have permission to use it) I questioned said family... WHAT? REALLY? HOW WHAT WHY, then I talked to my family members spouse... we talked for a bit and advised me to call my dad.... MY DAD, whom I had estranged myself from, because again, I was not worthy of his love. 

     The Call... I knew right at that moment if I didn't call, I would not, and it would be another year, 2 years or my funeral before I involved him and the rest of my family and friends... My mom, Jo, answered the phone, btw, it was the middle of the night and they live near Cincy, I was crying as we talked, she gave the phone to dad, I again don't remember much, all I heard was him say.... I'M COMING.... (coming to ME? in the middle of the night? me? what? whats happening)  Mom stayed on the phone with me while dad made the almost 2 hour drive to Btown.... he was here, in my home, nothing but sadness and love on his face as he looked at his very broken daughter, completely broken, (yes I know I said it twice) Broken... he took me in his arms, talked to me, held my hand as I shared the previous story with him, it hurt him, I knew it did, he did not hate me, cast me out, kill me, run away, or disown me... all of which I allowed the devil to convince me of.... he stayed while I slept, I woke, we talked more, he stayed as I slept, stayed until I had to leave for work... while I slept, he talked with my husband and daughter whom have endured this paralyzing clay I had sunk them in...relief for them both!  Relief for me... I was no longer in a secret bondage, don't get me wrong I have a long way to go, but no longer in secret, no more secrets.  That has to be a key, I just know it! This time will be different... I truly pray, I drop to my knees, I cry out loud, I sob, I rebuke the devil and ask Jesus for Peace... and healing, as he has already given me forgiveness.  He revealed to me that I am loved, that He loves me, that I was worthy of His sacrifice on Calvary...

     These thoughts may seem scattered and they probably are because right now I am... but Jesus is here, and if my journey helps another, or just seeing my thoughts put down on paper help me it is not all for nothing.... until next time.... I am going to try and allow myself to be ...................highandliftedup