I had been doing well, my husband had just told me right before my downward spiral how proud of me he was. I smiled a half smile and went on. I overheard a conversation that was about me, but not meant for me, it bugged me, stayed with me, and ate at me. The self talk began creeping in. Right along with the self chatter came satan... ROARING back at me... I was too overwhelmed, too exhausted to fight. Too tired to fight the drink, too tired to fight the knife.
I had failed again, and I could not stand the feeling of being ashamed, angry, embarrassed, and worthless... the flow of my blood, my life's force began to pour out into the sink. I remember very little, the bright lights of the hospital, someone saying, I remember her from last time... they wrapped my open wounds and bound me to the bed, I fought very little, I was just too tired.
Before I knew what had happened, everyone else knew, had been called, contacted and from what I am told, which I believe, praying! I was so very very lost, weak, and broken. I was moved to an observation room on the 2nd floor of the hospital, an STNA was designated to be my "sitter" Each time I woke, writhing in pain from my wrists, that had once again glued back togetherr, or from the hangover/withdrawal, there she sat...in my mind judging me. I was and AM so remorseful... how could I do this again, be here again, put all who loved and were praying for me through this again?!?!? I just couldn't understand.
Late in the morning my husband came in to see me, he brought a guest... My brother, Bob... he told Uncle Sam he was taking the day off, came up to be with my husband, kids, and me?!?!? I also learned that my husband had taken the day off, my mother had as well to stay with my kids. I was grateful, grateful that they had someone because I had failed them AGAIN!! I could only cry and say I was sorry, I held onto my brother, and my husband, we spoke to the doctor, and I had already talked to a drug and alcohol counselor before my family had gotten to the hospital. We set up and assessment for the coming Tuesday, something I thought I did not need in the past, but now knew this was a game changer, a plan changer, I HAVE TO DO A PROGRAM if I am to have any chance of living a sober, safer, happier life... a life with and in Christ.
The following day, after I got out of the hospital, was our family Christmas, it was to be at my brother's house... I asked if he was sure he wanted me there, I was so very low, and didn't want to be a reminder to anyone about the "Christmasless" spirit I was enduring... Bob reassured me he wanted us all there. I smiled, I was so nervous about going, but happy that once again God sparred me from my own foolishness, to allow me this opportunity to spend time with my family. We all went, and had a wonderful time. My Aunt was there, dropping off a package, and waiting for me, I had been on the phone with her while trying to drain my life. (a terrible thing to do to her or anyone, and I am truly sorry for making her endure it, but thank her for calling the authorities) She hugged me, we cried, all I could say was that I was sorry... My Uncle was also there, I apologized to him for putting him and his wife through this, he hugged me, we cried, love was there!
We had a great Christmas celebration together, ate, opened gifts, and played PIT... I didn't want to play at first, I was a little uneasy at being at the normal table, I am anything but normal, I didn't deserve to be happy and play, I would make them all feel uneasy and the moment of "fun" for all would just pass away....
Not too long after we began the trip back home, it was a long hour and a half for me, it was my dark hour. The time when my body began to hurt, my thoughts race, my mouth water and dry out, my hands shake, my leg muscles tremor and jerk... I HATE THIS!! I waited as long as I could and took my alcohol withdrawal medicine. It helped with the physical, not the mental... I begged my husband for a drink, just to make the pain stop, he would not oblige. I , we, were going to have to just deal. It made me thoroughly ticked off! How can he do this to me, he has NO idea what I am going through, what I am feeling, what a JERK! Soon I found out that he had taken some time off (due to his anxiety and blood pressure), I would not be alone, have any "alone" time until after the new year...
Each passing evening was complete torment, I was miserable, the alcoholic in my head was screaming louder than I could think, it was awful!! My assessment day finally came, it was an hour and a half appointment, I thought I would be nervous, and I probably was I suppose, but more than that I felt relief. I met my new alkie counselor, she was pretty awesome, and was happy with where I was in my recovery, which to me only felt as though I had but just one foot on the bottom ladder wrung. But she told me, I was making progress, that I was there, that I was not in hiding, that I had been drink free for several days, that I can openly admit I am powerless over alcohol, I will never be a just one or two drink kind of person, and I knew it. Progress because I wanted to stay QUIT.
Of course I qualify for their programs, I meet all the criteria, Yeah me, you go Jann! (BLERG) When I know what kind of program they recommend I will let ya know, probably a padded cell... She told me about a drug that she recommended, it was one my Fam Doc and I had talked about and had hoped we didn't have to go there, but guess what... we had to go there. The day after my assessment, I had a Fam Doc appt. He already knew what had happened, and I was terrified to see him, but I knew I had to go... we talked, I cried, and he agreed to put me on Campryll, med number 4, all at the same time, this one is to help diminish cravings, 2 pills, 3 times a day, along with the other prescriptions, 11 pills a day in all, how long I will have to be on them, I don't know, I see my family doctor next week and he will evaluate my progress.
Some days I feel that God is so far away from me, how can He love me still? I know he does, but I am still trying to figure it all out. A part of me feels like I need to do something for Him in order to be worthy of His love... But there is nothing I have to offer, He already sent His Son to die for me, to wash me, and cleanse me. I do know I need and want to get better in able to serve him. I pray for strength, for one day I hope to turn this trial into a testimony, that these scars I bare will one day have purpose... and if I am able one day to raise awareness to just one person, to thwart some one's road to addiction or suicide, I will have been blessed beyond all measure, and if my path in life is to become a sober mom and wife, for my kids and husband to not have to worry, then again I will be blessed!
Have a very Merry CHRISTmas, let us all be ................................highandliftedup! love J
Jann - this is Jannine, Zaniel's biological grandmother. I really thought you were going to keep Zaniel safe. I am so sad. Zaniel will have been only 2 while this was going on...where were the kids while this was going on?????
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