It is just about 5 am, been up since 4, I could say that I am not sure why I keep waking so early in the morning, but the truth is I do know. Jesus is changing me, he wakes me early to talk with him, spend time with him, to pray, he is also changing my sleep patterns, I get tired much earlier in the evening, not up till 12 or one or in the morning... drinking till numbness finally sets in to kill all the pain I had caused myself and others, and allowed the devil cause! Yes, Jesus is changing me! Thank you Father! I continue to pray that changes are coming, the Bible says if you pray it, it Will come to pass, I have given myself a goal, something to work for, something I have wanted to do all my life! I am excited about it, it is the Lord's work, he called me to when I was young, and told me that even though I had changed the course of my life that he had planned for me, He could still use ME! In the same field, just in a different way... I look forward to that day...
Getting Clean...
It is not easy, it is a hard hard thing. My tolerance level is SO high, and my body SO dependant, that the DETOX is so very painful to my body! My hands constantly shake, my body is unable to regulate a temperature, tremors in my right arm, my brain will lock up my speech, and the fingers on my left hand will contort... not a fun way to spend time... today, I go to the Doctor, holding my husbands hand, we will finally know the truth, and we are seeking his advice on the damage I have done to my earthy body and the safety to just STOP drinking all together... (I don't get plastered anymore, I wait as long as I can in the evening, and have only a fraction of what I had before) I am afraid to STOP all together, and trust me I do, but from a medical standpoint, all I have read, it can throw you into stroke, seizure, and even worse DEATH! (SCARY STUFF) If it is a sin that I am still drinking, then I am sorry Lord, please forgive me, set before my tattered mind a sign, or a peace over this struggle to know that surely I will not die and leave my children, husband, family and friends... there is SO much I want to do for you! So much I want to teach my children, I want them to come to know you, I want them to see their momma be an over comer, to keep my promises to them, that I would become a sober mom! I need you Lord right now, comfort me, HOLY HOLY HOLY, Lord, Holy Holy Holy, I trust in you, trust that you have great works in store for my family! Watch over them now as the slumber in their beds, keep them safe today at school, stir in their spirit and let them KNOW that you are GOD! Thank you for giving me today, for waking me and being here! I love you Lord, use me, mold me, take me, I am your daughter, and you are my Father, Amen
( Well that was unexpected, see, Jesus is just like that sometimes)
The Why's...
Some have asked me why, how long, how much, how often, WHY JANN, WHY? I never really had alcohol before 2005, never gave it any thought, wouldn't know the difference between beer, vodka or whiskey... Early 2005, my husband and I were going through a really bad time... to the point he had moved out, I was being selfish, and asked him to. That weekend I went out with a friend, to a bar, she asked what I wanted, I had NO clue! So she guessed for me, ( NO I AM NOT BLAMING HER, let's be clear on that) I got SO SICK, I will leave out the gory details... but I was hooked... not on the alcohol, yet, but the bar scene, I was a work from home mom, inside the same 4 walls every day, I enjoyed the conversation, the atmosphere, and I can' believe I am going to say this, but even the KARAOKE!! I even bought my own machine! HA! I would go on Friday or Saturday nights, sometimes my husband would go, he is not a drinker, then it became both Friday and Saturday! Wow, did I feel like crud... that was a cycle for a bit, then I started to drink through the week after the kids went to bed, beer mostly.... that became not enough... I discovered the hard stuff. ok ok, Back to my version of the why's,
Bad marriage
stress:
going through the adoption, are we going to be able to keep him? I worried all day about that, and sought relief at night, knowing Cub would be here in my absence
Matt's Cerebral palsy. My heart BROKE for him
My failing business due to the economy
My husbands year long Heart scare
bankruptcy- for the 2 reasons above = humiliation
anger towards Zeke's parents, our second special lil newcomer, they BEAT that 6 week old baby almost to death
hated my job
devils seeds of:
your parents divorced because of you
your dad doesn't love you
you sinned and got pregnant out of wedlock
you smoke
you had a miscarriage
a hysterectomy and no longer a true woman
God killed you Grandmother, your best friend, and Aunt Sharon
The list can go on and on, I blamed God for all of this, turned my back on him, and the devil handed me LIQUID NUMBNESS!! All of these lies, I gave satan the power to hold over me, the bad experiences that we had gone through I made so much bigger than what they were, I could not grieve and let it go, I could not Let Go and Let God! I was in control, this was MY life and I was in control of NOTHING! Anger, fear, hatred, and the drink.... they were in control! I gave them power and control of me....
I also was ignorant in Genes, that alcoholism is genetic, I was hard wired, so AA and science tells us, I still like blaming the devil (I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack) If I had only known then what I know now...
In closing for now, my secrets are out there... ALL of them now, ha, and the devil can no longer hold them over me, the roots from trees that bare no fruit that had rooted through my body are shrivelled and gone, that I know! Like I said, I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack... so I pray, and I know others are praying, supporting and loving me, with each prayer, I put on armour, with each prayer I get stronger, with each prayer my heart softens, and my armour grows thicker, my sword sharper, my mind clearer... so pray for me, help me build my shield, I will pray for you, always... today as I see the Doctor, pray.
Headed into work, have not been there in 3 days, it just worked out that way, woohoo, I wonder if anyone will see a change? I know I see one... if they do awesome, God is great, if not God is still great and there will be tomorrow and maybe my little light will shine on them....and they too will be...... highandliftedup
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