Two weeks ago...

     Here I sit, staring at the computer screen, my mind racing with thoughts to share with you all.  There has been A LOT going on, at least in my world and brain... Exactly 2 weeks ago, I was in an ambulance...now I sit here typing, and have not been intoxicated in 12 days! ( thank you Lord!)  My daughter calls it 13 days, but I can not, as today is not over.  She is so excited.  There are no unexplained bruises or gashes, from crashing into furniture or falling, on my body, no evening I don't remember, no conversation I don't remember, my body does not hurt as bad, my head is not racing as fast, and the alcoholic in my head is not screaming at me as loudly. (thank you Jesus)  I am still suffering form muscle jerks, and some cravings, not as bad as before, they are still there, I am thankful they have diminished, and not totally discouraged that they still remain.  I am not giving up  I have not been sober for this amount of time in years, I want to never go back.  Please keep praying!

     I want to share with you some thoughts I have had over the last couple weeks... messages I have heard, comments that have been shared, things I have read... I hope I can get to them all...

     I heard a sermon on Christmas Day, a couple of them actually.  One was on Hark the Herald Angels Sing, written in the 1700's... I listened as it went stanza by stanza, defining the message in that song.  It was strange and awesome, all at the same time... I know that song by heart, a lot of us do, and for most of us they are just words we sing during the Christmas season in the order they were written.  This sermon tho, explained it all, and got me really thinking about God, Jesus, being born into human flesh, how Holy the Conception was, and IS!  How Mary must have felt, carrying and giving birth the Immanuel.  Knowing his purpose.  How His Father felt, knowing he had sent his only Son to share, save, perform miracles, preach, gather a following, and ultimately DIE, a human sacrifice!  I thought about my children, the pain and agony I would go through if they were to be a sacrifice, I know I couldn't handle it!  I thought about Jesus' dimpled little baby feet, kicking around in his swaddling blanket, his little feet learning to walk... his brand new pair of baby sandals... yes, his little tiny feet that would one day be pierced by a huge spike.  I thought about his chubby little hands with pink newborn fingers, wrapping around Mary and Joseph's finger, hands that would do carpentry, hands that would heal the sick and raise the dead... yes, his chubby little baby hands that would one day be scarred.  I thought about his tiny little precious face and body, the smell of a newborn, baby lips, baby curls... a body that would take him to many places doing remarkable things.  Yes, his tiny little body that would one day be BEATEN beyond recognition, flesh torn away from muscle, flesh turned into ground meat.  I say all of this because there was a comment in the sermon that went something like this...

     At this time of year, it is easy to accept Jesus as a baby, in a manger and profess to know the true meaning of Christmas.  If you accept him in the manger, do you accept what he did on the cross, do you accept Him for what he did on the cross for you?  Without that first Christmas, there would be no Cross.

     So, not only do I thank God for the Christmas season, I now thank him for The First Christmas!  Without God's sacrifice, without Jesus, I , we, would never have a chance to be intimately forgiven, he was the one true and everlasting Sacrifice... My sacrifice... Your Sacrifice

     I have also been reading a book, I picked up two, and really thought I would read The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven first, and 23 Minutes in Hell last.  I met the family who's son went to heaven, I am sure I will have questions for him soon, his brother played football this past fall with my son, and he is wise beyond his years although his human form is bound to a wheelchair for life (he suffered internal decapitation) God is and will continue to use that young man!  I have read about 13 pages of 23 Minutes in Hell, and I can already tell you... 12 days ago, I thought I was going through hell, well let me tell ya, after just cracking the cover, my hell is nothing compared what is waiting for the unsaved man!  I am sure I don't want to go there, not that I was scared into being saved, it just got me comparing what I thought was the worst time in my existence, (which is here on earth) to spending an eternity in hell, no relief, no sanctuary, constant torment!  It is a way of existence that Jesus wants for none of us, and yet exists because not all mankind will accept him.  I hear people say I believe in Jesus, and that's great, yet so does the devil!  I will keep reading my books, and share more with you...

     I also have been reading, almost studying some words of wisdom shared with me, and am slowly finding strength to do "new, old" things.  The things I enjoy doing most right now are OUT of the house, that is where I find a little pep in my step, feel like I can hold my head up a little more, sing my praise and worship with the radio, as I don't have any CD's at my fingertips yet, outside those four walls, which can be a constant reminder!  Here is some advice from a wise man that was shared personally to and for me...

 Faith

"I know you have been down for a while... that doesn't mean you are down and out! Keep you faith in Christ, His power is measureless, you will never know how powerful Christ is if you restrict his will. God desires for you to conquer the battle over alcohol. We have a tendency to allow God to work within perimeters and when he moves us outside those made-up perimeters we tend to pull back as if we are losing control.  I encourage you to explore different avenues to find God and spiritual strength. Try reading a Christian book or listening to an audio book. Anything to keep your mind from wondering. The wondering mind: It's what gets many of us into trouble (be)cause we don't know how to deal with it, for most it Satan's tool for distraction. The most important step to personal integrity is to begin working on controlling our minds. Scripture says that we are to Love God with all of our Heart, Soul, and ...? (mind) Many of us forget that we can control our minds. For most of our lives we have trained our mind to do things the way we like and prefer things to be done. After a while our minds can work on auto-pilot for us (ie... it doesn't take the same strength it originally did because the mind is finding an easier way to cope with the task it has been presented with) It has adapted. When a new Christian is faced with changing their lives and finding a new way to think it is often difficult because 99% of their lives have been spent denying God and his will,and now they are told to obey it! It takes time to retrain the way you think and do things. For most this does not come easy but for those who put the hard work in, great rewards will come. Jann, I love you, always have, always will. I hate seeing you struggle... I know you are seeking strength, it is perfectly fine to seek strength in God and other people, but don't become discouraged because the change isn't happening fast enough. It takes time to change but you have to truly desire that change from the innermost part of who you are. Christ can change you and remake you. In fact he can make you so beautiful that you would never go back to a life of sin (holy)! Keep Working and Don't Give Up!!"           Pretty smart huh?  I have read that about 20+ times, and find encouragement in it each time, I try not to allow my mind to become idle, or wonder, I try and go to bed earlier, wake earlier, conversate more, (well a little), and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one hour, one day at a time, praying, and when I have nothing else to physically say to the Lord, I try and remember to say, and sometimes cry out, HOLY!   That, for me, allows the communication lines to remain open between Jesus and me.  He really is never far away from us, and in that I will continue my journey in being.............................highandliftedup   Love J

 

    

psst.... Over here

     Wondering where I have been, what, you too?  I have been trying to figure that out myself.  Actually, I know where I have been, falling, failing...again.  Again?  Really?  Yes, again.

     I had been doing well, my husband had just told me right before my downward spiral how proud of me he was.  I smiled a half smile and went on.  I overheard a conversation that was about me, but not meant for me, it bugged me, stayed with me, and ate at me.  The self talk began creeping in.  Right along with the self chatter came satan... ROARING back at me... I was too overwhelmed, too exhausted to fight.  Too tired to fight the drink, too tired to fight the knife.

     I had failed again, and I could not stand the feeling of being ashamed, angry, embarrassed, and worthless... the flow of my blood, my life's force began to pour out into the sink.  I remember very little, the bright lights of the hospital, someone saying, I remember her from last time...  they wrapped my open wounds and bound me to the bed, I fought very little, I was just too tired. 
 

     Before I knew what had happened, everyone else knew, had been called, contacted and from what I am told, which I believe, praying!  I was so very very lost, weak, and broken.  I was moved to an observation room on the 2nd floor of the hospital, an STNA was designated to be my "sitter"  Each time I woke, writhing in pain from my wrists, that had once again glued back togetherr, or from the hangover/withdrawal, there she sat...in my mind judging me.  I was and AM so remorseful... how could I do this again, be here again, put all who loved and were praying for me through this again?!?!?  I just couldn't understand.

     Late in the morning my husband came in to see me, he brought a guest... My brother, Bob... he told Uncle Sam he was taking the day off, came up to be with my husband, kids, and me?!?!?  I also learned that my husband had taken the day off, my mother had as well to stay with my kids.  I was grateful, grateful that they had someone because I had failed them AGAIN!!   I could only cry and say I was sorry, I held onto my brother, and my husband, we spoke to the doctor, and I had already talked to a drug and alcohol counselor before my family had gotten to the hospital.  We set up and assessment for the coming Tuesday, something I thought I did not need in the past, but now knew this was a game changer, a plan changer, I HAVE TO DO A PROGRAM if I am to have any chance of living a sober, safer, happier life... a life with and in Christ.

     The following day, after I got out of the hospital, was our family Christmas, it was to be at my brother's house... I asked if he was sure he wanted me there, I was so very low, and didn't want to be a reminder to anyone about the "Christmasless" spirit I was enduring... Bob reassured me he wanted us all there.  I smiled, I was so nervous about going, but happy that once again God sparred me from my own foolishness, to allow me this opportunity to spend time with my family.  We all went, and had a wonderful time.  My Aunt was there, dropping off a package, and waiting for me, I had been on the phone with her while trying to drain my life. (a terrible thing to do to her or anyone, and I am truly sorry for making her endure it, but thank her for calling the authorities)  She hugged me, we cried, all I could say was that I was sorry... My Uncle was also there, I apologized to him for putting him and his wife through this, he hugged me, we cried, love was there!

     We had a great Christmas celebration together, ate, opened gifts, and played PIT... I didn't want to play at first, I was a little uneasy at being at the normal table, I am anything but normal, I didn't deserve to be happy and play, I would make them all feel uneasy and the moment of "fun" for all would just pass away.... selftalk  They welcomed me with open arms, I can not tell you how many rounds we played, but I felt real smiles and laughter fill my spirit, nothing was forced, it was wonderful!

     Not too long after we began the trip back home, it was a long hour and a half for me, it was my dark hour.  The time when my body began to hurt, my thoughts race, my mouth water and dry out, my hands shake, my leg muscles tremor and jerk... I HATE THIS!!  I waited as long as I could and took my alcohol withdrawal medicine.  It helped with the physical, not the mental... I begged my husband for a drink, just to make the pain stop, he would not oblige.  I , we, were going to have to just deal.  It made me thoroughly ticked off!  How can he do this to me, he has NO idea what I am going through, what I am feeling, what a JERK!  Soon I found out that he had taken some time off (due to his anxiety and blood pressure), I would not be alone, have any "alone" time until after the new year... how could he??

     Each passing evening was complete torment, I was miserable, the alcoholic in my head was screaming louder than I could think, it was awful!!  My assessment day finally came, it was an hour and a half appointment, I thought I would be nervous, and I probably was I suppose, but more than that I felt relief.  I met my new alkie counselor, she was pretty awesome, and was happy with where I was in my recovery, which to me only felt as though I had but just one foot on the bottom ladder wrung.  But she told me, I was making progress, that I was there, that I was not in hiding, that I had been drink free for several days, that I can openly admit I am powerless over alcohol, I will never be a just one or two drink kind of person, and I knew it.  Progress because I wanted to stay QUIT. 

     Of course I qualify for their programs, I meet all the criteria, Yeah me, you go Jann! (BLERG)  When I know what kind of program they recommend I will let ya know, probably a padded cell...  She told me about a drug that she recommended, it was one my Fam Doc and I had talked about and had hoped we didn't have to go there, but guess what... we had to go there.  The day after my assessment, I had a Fam Doc appt.  He already knew what had happened, and I was terrified to see him, but I knew I had to go... we talked, I cried, and he agreed to put me on Campryll, med number 4, all at the same time, this one is to help diminish cravings, 2 pills, 3 times a day, along with the other prescriptions, 11 pills a day in all, how long I will have to be on them, I don't know, I see my family doctor next week and he will evaluate my progress.

     Some days I feel that God is so far away from me, how can He love me still?  I know he does, but I am still trying to figure it all out.  A part of me feels like I need to do something for Him in order to be worthy of His love... But there is nothing I have to offer, He already sent His Son to die for me, to wash me, and cleanse me.  I do know I need and want to get better in able to serve him.  I pray for strength, for one day I hope to turn this trial into a testimony, that these scars I bare will one day have purpose... and if I am able one day to raise awareness to just one person, to thwart some one's road to addiction or suicide, I will have been blessed beyond all measure, and if my path in life is to become a sober mom and wife, for my kids and husband to not have to worry, then again I will be blessed! 

     Have a very Merry CHRISTmas, let us all be ................................highandliftedup!  love J
    

      

Prospective....

Hello all, Thank you all for your prayers and comments... I have not forgotten about my blog, I am just trying to find words to describe my last few weeks... many days blanketed in darkness and distraction...some days there is light... keep me, us, all in your thoughts and prayers!  Will bring you all up to speed very soon... Love J

Progress?!?!

     The day I did something a lil different...

     So, as you know, Monday and Tuesday I was in quite a funk, I had listened to my dad, and called the Doctor to move my appt up by a whole week.  I was supposed to see my Christian Counselor today, (Thursday) but moved it to Tuesday, the only thing she had was 8:30pm, my darkest hour... it had been so dark in the house because of the weather, I turned the lamps on early in the afternoon instead of wallering on the couch in guilt and remorse, feeling just as dark.  I shared my story with a near stranger, she reciprocated, and shared hers, Matt's ear drum ruptured, an easy excuse for the darker Jann to cancel her late evening session, Matt needs me, he is in pain, what if... what if, what if.... No, I have to go, Daddy can handle this for an hour, I HAVE to start taking care of me!

     My counseling session was good, and a little scary.  She put together all the little different changes I had made even through my bad days, she was seemingly proud or excited, I know I was when she pointed it out.  We finished, and made my appt for the next week... TUESDAY: 8:30pm!!  I made that decision too! Yeah!...................................

     (Sidebar, I had to cancel my counseling appointment this week, my sons other ear drum ruptured, and daddy was working late, surgery tomorrow!  Another thing that got me down was I was at work and there were 5 days worth of newspapers laying there, I randomly picked one up waiting on staff to get his paperwork done, I opened it and low and behold there was my name under the Municipal Court Charges... 2 months after it had happened, I thought... ugh that devil is really trying to get to me... after a day or two, I finally LET it get to me, humiliation all over again... I sat in this funk for a few days and it was like God had reminded me that I CAN NOT change the past!)

     It has been a week and 1 day since I started this particular blog, I just couldn't seem to finish it.  My thoughts just seem to become muddled, my prayers wordless.  I was praying in the spirit because my physical body could not, I had reached out a couple times and asked for people to pray with me on the phone, I was empty, and self talk was making a come back.  I was beginning to listen...UGH!

     When I was young I never let anything sit on top my Bible, one day last week my Bible was on the table and my son's shoe was on it, I thought... huh, God's path, I must walk, a couple days later there was my Bible on the end table with a LOAF OF BREAD on it... again I thought, Food for the soul!  A few days later, again there was my Bible with a mint on it... a mint you ask?!?!... a mint that I had been given on the day I first attended Sunday Church in a long long time... I thought to myself... I need to get back!  I had been scheduled to work on all the days there was Bible study and Church... I need to be there, it feeds me, soothes me, speaks to me, comforts me, comforts me, comforts ME!  So this last Sunday I went!  Success!

     I woke today around 4 am, couldn't sleep, came out to the couch and had a devotion... I read something I had never read before, it was a quote... it said... "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it!  Wow, that was quite a wake up call!  I know I have prayed a lot since I have told of my addiction, but I find myself sometimes kind of whining about it as well, that is NOT helping, so for now... I am going to press on, pray about it more than I talk about it and that will help me on my journey of becoming .......................................highandliftedup