Day 4...
I went into work at 8am, having an anxiety attack over my Doctor's appointment, as much relief I had that we were going, I was extremely nervous. The reason was this Doctor is the father of a boy who is my sons very good friend, I didn't want to take 1 more thing away from my son! However, I was trusting in the Lord that I had made the right decision. 10:15am, I leave work and make the drive back to Bellefontaine, my husband had the boys ready (we had to take them) and the van warming... I come in the house, go to get a drink of water and my hands were shaking so bad I about dropped my water bottle, whisper...calm me Jesus, give me strength to put one foot in front of the other, strength to walk through the office door... We loaded the van and made the long 2 minute drive to the Dr's office, check in and wait. anxiously....
The nurse called us back, last chance to run Jann, nope I AM DOING THIS! GET OUT OF MY HEAD DEVIL! The Doc walks in, thinking the appt was for Edward... but I was the one sitting on the table. He asked Cub how he was feeling, good he said, but the reason we are here is.... well I will let Jann explain... Hands in jacket pocket, trembling, sweating, I looked him in the eyes, tears start flowing, "I am an alcoholic". He too didn't scream, yell, exile me, he said...ok... and wanted to know more...I told him I wanted to talk to him for a long time, but was terrified that it would ruin the friendship our children enjoyed. He assured me, "NAH, You don't have to worry about that". RELIEF, another lie the devil had been telling me, another score for Jesus, me, and sobriety! We talked for what seemed like quite a while, I felt bad for waiting patients, but so very thankful that he gave me the time I needed, to say all I needed to say- how much, how long, suicide, the way my body was reacting, how long I had been hiding IT and myself from the world, and that I was ready to be a sober woman, wife, mother, daughter, and sister... that now I had my families support and I am walking and trusting in Jesus, and how I have put it all in his hands. I asked about the danger of just stopping, told him I was frightened by what I had read. STROKE SEIZURES DEATH
It is a possibility he said, weaning was best (and I was already doing that, yeah, but the withdraw was miserable) I am intaking a small fraction compared to where I was, he was happy to hear that... Cub asked a question...how?????? something I don't remember, the Doctor said we like to use medication to help wean, decrease desire,and help with withdraw.... we were both shocked. He explained how it worked and I was willing....3 pills a day for 5 days, then 2 for 5, and lastly, 1 for 5. Also, an anti-depressant, I had been on them before I became an alcoholic, while was drinking, and once again, I am ok with that too, he even said after I am through this, I may not need them, as alcohol is a depressant, and I have freedom from a lot of bondage and baggage! Great to hear!! We left, scripts in hand, relieved that my NEW Doctor has faith in me, I have his support, and an appointment in 3 weeks!
I went back to work so happy, turned the radio on and praised the Lord for the courage he gave me to go to the Doctor. I called dad, to tell him how great everything went, and that I had even more hope. Dad told me he had prayed for the Doctor that morning that he would take the time to listen, and give him wisdom to guide him, another answered prayer, dad was thrilled and told me he could hear so much hope in my voice! That made me smile!
I woke at 3:30am, hands shaking, knots in my stomach, I prayed, and took the medicine. Still 5 hours later, my hands are still not shaking, no sweats, chills, nausea, or cloudy head. When Jesus came into my room at 6:30am, I gladly got up with him, prayed, talked to him and allowed him to blanket me in his love. Unexpectedly my husband got up at 7am, not for any particular reason, but I was blessed by that because we spent the morning together! The little guys woke about a half hour later and it was a different morning, mom and dad were up, mommy was not sick laying in the bed, another blessing!
Short shift at work today, looking forward to it, and I will be home for dinner with my family and that is enough for me to be..............................highandliftedup
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