Two weeks ago...

     Here I sit, staring at the computer screen, my mind racing with thoughts to share with you all.  There has been A LOT going on, at least in my world and brain... Exactly 2 weeks ago, I was in an ambulance...now I sit here typing, and have not been intoxicated in 12 days! ( thank you Lord!)  My daughter calls it 13 days, but I can not, as today is not over.  She is so excited.  There are no unexplained bruises or gashes, from crashing into furniture or falling, on my body, no evening I don't remember, no conversation I don't remember, my body does not hurt as bad, my head is not racing as fast, and the alcoholic in my head is not screaming at me as loudly. (thank you Jesus)  I am still suffering form muscle jerks, and some cravings, not as bad as before, they are still there, I am thankful they have diminished, and not totally discouraged that they still remain.  I am not giving up  I have not been sober for this amount of time in years, I want to never go back.  Please keep praying!

     I want to share with you some thoughts I have had over the last couple weeks... messages I have heard, comments that have been shared, things I have read... I hope I can get to them all...

     I heard a sermon on Christmas Day, a couple of them actually.  One was on Hark the Herald Angels Sing, written in the 1700's... I listened as it went stanza by stanza, defining the message in that song.  It was strange and awesome, all at the same time... I know that song by heart, a lot of us do, and for most of us they are just words we sing during the Christmas season in the order they were written.  This sermon tho, explained it all, and got me really thinking about God, Jesus, being born into human flesh, how Holy the Conception was, and IS!  How Mary must have felt, carrying and giving birth the Immanuel.  Knowing his purpose.  How His Father felt, knowing he had sent his only Son to share, save, perform miracles, preach, gather a following, and ultimately DIE, a human sacrifice!  I thought about my children, the pain and agony I would go through if they were to be a sacrifice, I know I couldn't handle it!  I thought about Jesus' dimpled little baby feet, kicking around in his swaddling blanket, his little feet learning to walk... his brand new pair of baby sandals... yes, his little tiny feet that would one day be pierced by a huge spike.  I thought about his chubby little hands with pink newborn fingers, wrapping around Mary and Joseph's finger, hands that would do carpentry, hands that would heal the sick and raise the dead... yes, his chubby little baby hands that would one day be scarred.  I thought about his tiny little precious face and body, the smell of a newborn, baby lips, baby curls... a body that would take him to many places doing remarkable things.  Yes, his tiny little body that would one day be BEATEN beyond recognition, flesh torn away from muscle, flesh turned into ground meat.  I say all of this because there was a comment in the sermon that went something like this...

     At this time of year, it is easy to accept Jesus as a baby, in a manger and profess to know the true meaning of Christmas.  If you accept him in the manger, do you accept what he did on the cross, do you accept Him for what he did on the cross for you?  Without that first Christmas, there would be no Cross.

     So, not only do I thank God for the Christmas season, I now thank him for The First Christmas!  Without God's sacrifice, without Jesus, I , we, would never have a chance to be intimately forgiven, he was the one true and everlasting Sacrifice... My sacrifice... Your Sacrifice

     I have also been reading a book, I picked up two, and really thought I would read The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven first, and 23 Minutes in Hell last.  I met the family who's son went to heaven, I am sure I will have questions for him soon, his brother played football this past fall with my son, and he is wise beyond his years although his human form is bound to a wheelchair for life (he suffered internal decapitation) God is and will continue to use that young man!  I have read about 13 pages of 23 Minutes in Hell, and I can already tell you... 12 days ago, I thought I was going through hell, well let me tell ya, after just cracking the cover, my hell is nothing compared what is waiting for the unsaved man!  I am sure I don't want to go there, not that I was scared into being saved, it just got me comparing what I thought was the worst time in my existence, (which is here on earth) to spending an eternity in hell, no relief, no sanctuary, constant torment!  It is a way of existence that Jesus wants for none of us, and yet exists because not all mankind will accept him.  I hear people say I believe in Jesus, and that's great, yet so does the devil!  I will keep reading my books, and share more with you...

     I also have been reading, almost studying some words of wisdom shared with me, and am slowly finding strength to do "new, old" things.  The things I enjoy doing most right now are OUT of the house, that is where I find a little pep in my step, feel like I can hold my head up a little more, sing my praise and worship with the radio, as I don't have any CD's at my fingertips yet, outside those four walls, which can be a constant reminder!  Here is some advice from a wise man that was shared personally to and for me...

 Faith

"I know you have been down for a while... that doesn't mean you are down and out! Keep you faith in Christ, His power is measureless, you will never know how powerful Christ is if you restrict his will. God desires for you to conquer the battle over alcohol. We have a tendency to allow God to work within perimeters and when he moves us outside those made-up perimeters we tend to pull back as if we are losing control.  I encourage you to explore different avenues to find God and spiritual strength. Try reading a Christian book or listening to an audio book. Anything to keep your mind from wondering. The wondering mind: It's what gets many of us into trouble (be)cause we don't know how to deal with it, for most it Satan's tool for distraction. The most important step to personal integrity is to begin working on controlling our minds. Scripture says that we are to Love God with all of our Heart, Soul, and ...? (mind) Many of us forget that we can control our minds. For most of our lives we have trained our mind to do things the way we like and prefer things to be done. After a while our minds can work on auto-pilot for us (ie... it doesn't take the same strength it originally did because the mind is finding an easier way to cope with the task it has been presented with) It has adapted. When a new Christian is faced with changing their lives and finding a new way to think it is often difficult because 99% of their lives have been spent denying God and his will,and now they are told to obey it! It takes time to retrain the way you think and do things. For most this does not come easy but for those who put the hard work in, great rewards will come. Jann, I love you, always have, always will. I hate seeing you struggle... I know you are seeking strength, it is perfectly fine to seek strength in God and other people, but don't become discouraged because the change isn't happening fast enough. It takes time to change but you have to truly desire that change from the innermost part of who you are. Christ can change you and remake you. In fact he can make you so beautiful that you would never go back to a life of sin (holy)! Keep Working and Don't Give Up!!"           Pretty smart huh?  I have read that about 20+ times, and find encouragement in it each time, I try not to allow my mind to become idle, or wonder, I try and go to bed earlier, wake earlier, conversate more, (well a little), and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one hour, one day at a time, praying, and when I have nothing else to physically say to the Lord, I try and remember to say, and sometimes cry out, HOLY!   That, for me, allows the communication lines to remain open between Jesus and me.  He really is never far away from us, and in that I will continue my journey in being.............................highandliftedup   Love J