Where to start... need to stop...I cry, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...Where to start...need to stop, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ... this is the way my morning started out... I can not tell you what the rest of my day will be like, it is an hour at a time day.... My name is Janice, daughter of Tom and Joellen, and Martha. Wife to Edward, and Mother to Kate, Brock, Matt, and Z. Sister to Bob and Andrew. I am an alcoholic addict. SHEW........ I said it, I have said it before to my brother, my mother, my husband and children, and even in AA. I just want to say quickly to anyone reading this and runs at the sight and sound of AA... STOP DON'T RUN.... because I run when I hear AA too... I went for a little bit.... I sat there quietly even at my first meeting the man running the group of alkies said I was the calmest and quietest newcomer ever, that at his first meeting he was all but jumping out of his skin, I smiled, shed a tear and just listened...
My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 30 days, My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 60 days, 90 days, 5 years, 7 years, 20 years.... My name is ------ I went to detox, it was the best and worst thing, people DIED there, I found God there, sobriety there.
WHAT???? What am I doing here, I didn't crash a car like these people, I don't have any DUIs, I am not court ordered here, I am not like these people! The anxiety AA caused me, or shall I say the anxiety I allowed AA to cause me was overwhelming, after each meeting I went to, I would stop and buy a bottle of wine...UGH...
Definitely Not a Win!! In fact that was a year ago, I am no closer to sobriety even now, it is another DAY 1.
This time is different, I know it is and will be, I am not trying to get sober in secret, I have told my family and friends, I have admitted my downfalls. The devil can not hold this over me unless I allow him, unless I start self talking... (that's the worst) Self condemnation, even when you know you are forgiven, is just as damaging as the drink, I am worthless, useless, broken, unworthy of being liked and loved, forgiven, remembered... why are you here?
In September, I was in a blind drunk, remember VERY little, the last thing I truly remember was playing Scrabble with my oldest, ... when I came to I did not know where I was... bandages everywhere, the pain, the pain the pain....... blood stained bandages covered my wrists, neck and ankles. Where am I, what happened? What did I do? OH MY GOD what did I do... I yelled HELLO????
After a few hellos, a beautiful woman walked into the room, "Hi sweetie, what do you need, want to make phone call?" Phone call? I just wanted some water, I just said ok... she helped me up, fix my "gown" and shuffle to the desk. I turned around when the door slammed shut.... FEMALE INMATE SUICIDE... OH MY GOD what did I do?
Some things started coming back... Ed and I had argued, I was drunk, mom came to get me and take me to her house, I asked to take a bath, she ran one for me, I got in... there was a blade... that's all I remember....
The lady told me how much I would need to "get out", I called mom gave her the PIN to my Debit card and asked her to bring me the money and some clothes... she asked where I was, she thought I was in the hospital, and apparently I had been, I have no recollection, all I knew was that I was at the jail. The lady walked me over to a computer, typed in some stuff and stood me against a cold white wall, FLASH, flash, turn, flash, turn, flash, turn... do you have any tattoos she asked... I said yes, FLASH! Forever in the system, forever burned in my memory.
I am sure through this journey I will refer to my jail bird day many a time...but for now I want to move on...
I came home and swore to my mom, kids, husband, and myself that things would be different, better! They weren't, I had hoped and wanted it, but addiction is a hard hard thing.
NOVEMBER... little things were changing, I would see a glimpse of God's blessings, mercy, beauty. Things I had taken for granted, I would whisper a prayer, a start... I had not been on Facebook or talked to friends in 6 months... One November night I came home from work, and decided to get on FB... right there in front of me was a post that literally knocked me to the floor... a family member publicly professing the same addiction and overcoming it.... OH MY GOD! What DO I do?!?!?!?!?! I called my family member ( I will keep the name to myself until I have permission to use it) I questioned said family... WHAT? REALLY? HOW WHAT WHY, then I talked to my family members spouse... we talked for a bit and advised me to call my dad.... MY DAD, whom I had estranged myself from, because again, I was not worthy of his love.
The Call... I knew right at that moment if I didn't call, I would not, and it would be another year, 2 years or my funeral before I involved him and the rest of my family and friends... My mom, Jo, answered the phone, btw, it was the middle of the night and they live near Cincy, I was crying as we talked, she gave the phone to dad, I again don't remember much, all I heard was him say.... I'M COMING.... (coming to ME? in the middle of the night? me? what? whats happening) Mom stayed on the phone with me while dad made the almost 2 hour drive to Btown.... he was here, in my home, nothing but sadness and love on his face as he looked at his very broken daughter, completely broken, (yes I know I said it twice) Broken... he took me in his arms, talked to me, held my hand as I shared the previous story with him, it hurt him, I knew it did, he did not hate me, cast me out, kill me, run away, or disown me... all of which I allowed the devil to convince me of.... he stayed while I slept, I woke, we talked more, he stayed as I slept, stayed until I had to leave for work... while I slept, he talked with my husband and daughter whom have endured this paralyzing clay I had sunk them in...relief for them both! Relief for me... I was no longer in a secret bondage, don't get me wrong I have a long way to go, but no longer in secret, no more secrets. That has to be a key, I just know it! This time will be different... I truly pray, I drop to my knees, I cry out loud, I sob, I rebuke the devil and ask Jesus for Peace... and healing, as he has already given me forgiveness. He revealed to me that I am loved, that He loves me, that I was worthy of His sacrifice on Calvary...
These thoughts may seem scattered and they probably are because right now I am... but Jesus is here, and if my journey helps another, or just seeing my thoughts put down on paper help me it is not all for nothing.... until next time.... I am going to try and allow myself to be ...................highandliftedup
No comments:
Post a Comment