So, as you know, Monday and Tuesday I was in quite a funk, I had listened to my dad, and called the Doctor to move my appt up by a whole week. I was supposed to see my Christian Counselor today, (Thursday) but moved it to Tuesday, the only thing she had was 8:30pm, my darkest hour... it had been so dark in the house because of the weather, I turned the lamps on early in the afternoon instead of wallering on the couch in guilt and remorse, feeling just as dark. I shared my story with a near stranger, she reciprocated, and shared hers, Matt's ear drum ruptured, an easy excuse for the darker Jann to cancel her late evening session,
My counseling session was good, and a little scary. She put together all the little different changes I had made even through my bad days, she was seemingly proud or excited, I know I was when she pointed it out. We finished, and made my appt for the next week... TUESDAY: 8:30pm!! I made that decision too! Yeah!...................................
(Sidebar, I had to cancel my counseling appointment this week, my sons other ear drum ruptured, and daddy was working late, surgery tomorrow! Another thing that got me down was I was at work and there were 5 days worth of newspapers laying there, I randomly picked one up waiting on staff to get his paperwork done, I opened it and low and behold there was my name under the Municipal Court Charges... 2 months after it had happened, I thought... ugh that devil is really trying to get to me... after a day or two, I finally LET it get to me, humiliation all over again... I sat in this funk for a few days and it was like God had reminded me that I CAN NOT change the past!)
It has been a week and 1 day since I started this particular blog, I just couldn't seem to finish it. My thoughts just seem to become muddled, my prayers wordless. I was praying in the spirit because my physical body could not, I had reached out a couple times and asked for people to pray with me on the phone, I was empty, and self talk was making a come back. I was beginning to listen...UGH!
When I was young I never let anything sit on top my Bible, one day last week my Bible was on the table and my son's shoe was on it, I thought... huh, God's path, I must walk, a couple days later there was my Bible on the end table with a LOAF OF BREAD on it... again I thought, Food for the soul! A few days later, again there was my Bible with a mint on it... a mint you ask?!?!... a mint that I had been given on the day I first attended Sunday Church in a long long time... I thought to myself... I need to get back! I had been scheduled to work on all the days there was Bible study and Church... I need to be there, it feeds me, soothes me, speaks to me, comforts me, comforts me, comforts ME! So this last Sunday I went! Success!
I woke today around 4 am, couldn't sleep, came out to the couch and had a devotion... I read something I had never read before, it was a quote... it said... "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it! Wow, that was quite a wake up call! I know I have prayed a lot since I have told of my addiction, but I find myself sometimes kind of whining about it as well, that is NOT helping, so for now... I am going to press on, pray about it more than I talk about it and that will help me on my journey of becoming .......................................highandliftedup
I enjoy reading your posts. I know you haven't posted anything for a while.... Would like to let you know I pray for you often. My heart seems to hurt when yours is hurting. I know you have been down for a while... that doesn't mean you are down and out! Keep you faith in Christ, His power is measureless, you will never know how powerful Christ is if you restrict his will. God desires for you to conquer the battle over alcohol. We have a tendency to allow God to work within perimeters and when he moves us outside those made-up perimeters we tend to pull back as if we are losing control. I know this from personal experiences. There are many thing in my life I forget to allow God to work and move. Almost as if I forget that God can be apart of that "room" too. I encourage you to explore different avenues to find God and spiritual strength. Try reading a Christian book or listening to an audio book. Anything to keep your mind from wondering.
ReplyDeleteThe wondering mind: It's what gets many of us into trouble cause we don't know how to deal with it, for most it Satan's tool for distraction. The most important step to personal integrity is to begin working on controlling our minds. Scripture says that we are to Love God with all of our Heart, Soul, and ...? (mind) Many of us forget that we can control our minds. For most of our lives we have trained our mind to do things the way we like and prefer things to be done. After a while our minds can work on auto-pilot for us (ie... it doesn't take the same strength it originally did because the mind is finding an easier way to cope with the task it has been presented with) It has adapted. When a new Christian is faced with changing their lives and finding a new way to think it is often difficult because 99% of their lives have been spent denying God and his will,and now they are told to obey it! It takes time to retrain the way you think and do things. For most this does not come easy but for those who put the hard work in, great rewards will come.
Jann, I love you, always have, always will. I hate seeing you struggle... I know you are seeking strength, it is perfectly fine to seek strength in God and other people, but don't become discouraged because the change isn't happening fast enough. It takes time to change but you have to truly desire that change from the innermost part of who you are. Christ can change you and remake you. In fact he can make you so beautiful that you would never go back to a life of sin (holy)!
Keep Working and Don't Given Up!!
Love,
Andrew