So, as you know, Monday and Tuesday I was in quite a funk, I had listened to my dad, and called the Doctor to move my appt up by a whole week. I was supposed to see my Christian Counselor today, (Thursday) but moved it to Tuesday, the only thing she had was 8:30pm, my darkest hour... it had been so dark in the house because of the weather, I turned the lamps on early in the afternoon instead of wallering on the couch in guilt and remorse, feeling just as dark. I shared my story with a near stranger, she reciprocated, and shared hers, Matt's ear drum ruptured, an easy excuse for the darker Jann to cancel her late evening session,
My counseling session was good, and a little scary. She put together all the little different changes I had made even through my bad days, she was seemingly proud or excited, I know I was when she pointed it out. We finished, and made my appt for the next week... TUESDAY: 8:30pm!! I made that decision too! Yeah!...................................
(Sidebar, I had to cancel my counseling appointment this week, my sons other ear drum ruptured, and daddy was working late, surgery tomorrow! Another thing that got me down was I was at work and there were 5 days worth of newspapers laying there, I randomly picked one up waiting on staff to get his paperwork done, I opened it and low and behold there was my name under the Municipal Court Charges... 2 months after it had happened, I thought... ugh that devil is really trying to get to me... after a day or two, I finally LET it get to me, humiliation all over again... I sat in this funk for a few days and it was like God had reminded me that I CAN NOT change the past!)
It has been a week and 1 day since I started this particular blog, I just couldn't seem to finish it. My thoughts just seem to become muddled, my prayers wordless. I was praying in the spirit because my physical body could not, I had reached out a couple times and asked for people to pray with me on the phone, I was empty, and self talk was making a come back. I was beginning to listen...UGH!
When I was young I never let anything sit on top my Bible, one day last week my Bible was on the table and my son's shoe was on it, I thought... huh, God's path, I must walk, a couple days later there was my Bible on the end table with a LOAF OF BREAD on it... again I thought, Food for the soul! A few days later, again there was my Bible with a mint on it... a mint you ask?!?!... a mint that I had been given on the day I first attended Sunday Church in a long long time... I thought to myself... I need to get back! I had been scheduled to work on all the days there was Bible study and Church... I need to be there, it feeds me, soothes me, speaks to me, comforts me, comforts me, comforts ME! So this last Sunday I went! Success!
I woke today around 4 am, couldn't sleep, came out to the couch and had a devotion... I read something I had never read before, it was a quote... it said... "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it! Wow, that was quite a wake up call! I know I have prayed a lot since I have told of my addiction, but I find myself sometimes kind of whining about it as well, that is NOT helping, so for now... I am going to press on, pray about it more than I talk about it and that will help me on my journey of becoming .......................................highandliftedup
