The Why's

     Day 3...

     It is just about 5 am, been up since 4, I could say that I am not sure why I keep waking so early in the morning, but the truth is I do know.  Jesus is changing me, he wakes me early to talk with him, spend time with him, to pray, he is also changing my sleep patterns, I get tired much earlier in the evening, not up till 12 or one or in the morning... drinking till numbness finally sets in to kill all the pain I had caused myself and others,  and allowed the devil cause!  Yes, Jesus is changing me! Thank you Father!  I continue to pray that changes are coming, the Bible says if you pray it, it Will come to pass, I have given myself a goal, something to work for, something I have wanted to do all my life!  I am excited about it, it is the Lord's work, he called me to when I was young, and told me that even though I had changed the course of my life that he had planned for me, He could still use ME!  In the same field, just in a different way... I look forward to that day...

     Getting Clean...

     It is not easy, it is a hard hard thing.  My tolerance level is SO high, and my body SO dependant, that the DETOX is so very painful to my body!  My hands constantly shake, my body is unable to regulate a temperature, tremors in my right arm, my brain will lock up my speech, and the fingers on my left hand will contort... not a fun way to spend time... today, I go to the Doctor, holding my husbands hand, we will finally know the truth, and we are seeking his advice on the damage I have done to my earthy body and the safety to just STOP drinking all together... (I don't get plastered anymore, I wait as long as I can in the evening, and have only a fraction of what I had before) I am afraid to STOP all together, and trust me I do, but from a medical standpoint, all I have read, it can throw you into stroke, seizure, and even worse DEATH! (SCARY STUFF)  If it is a sin that I am still drinking, then I am sorry Lord, please forgive me, set before my tattered mind a sign, or a peace over this struggle to know that surely I will not die and leave my children, husband, family and friends... there is SO much I want to do for you!  So much I want to teach my children, I want them to come to know you, I want them to see their momma be an over comer, to keep my promises to them, that I would become a sober mom!  I need you Lord right now, comfort me, HOLY HOLY HOLY, Lord, Holy Holy Holy, I trust in you, trust that you have great works in store for my family!  Watch over them now as the slumber in their beds, keep them safe today at school, stir in their spirit and let them KNOW that you are GOD!  Thank you for giving me today, for waking me and being here!  I love you Lord, use me, mold me, take me, I am your daughter, and you are my Father, Amen

                               ( Well that was unexpected, see, Jesus is just like that sometimes)

     The Why's...

     Some have asked me why, how long, how much, how often, WHY JANN, WHY?  I never really had alcohol before 2005, never gave it any thought, wouldn't know the difference between beer, vodka or whiskey... Early 2005, my husband and I were going through a really bad time... to the point he had moved out, I was being selfish, and asked him to.  That weekend I went out with a friend, to a bar, she asked what I wanted, I had NO clue!  So she guessed for me, ( NO I AM NOT BLAMING HER, let's be clear on that)  I got SO SICK, I will leave out the gory details... but I was hooked... not on the alcohol, yet, but the bar scene, I was a work from home mom, inside the same 4 walls every day, I enjoyed the conversation, the atmosphere, and I can' believe I am going to say this, but even the KARAOKE!!  I even bought my own machine! HA!  I would go on Friday or Saturday nights, sometimes my husband would go, he is not a drinker, then it became both Friday and Saturday!  Wow, did I feel like crud... that was a cycle for a bit, then I started to drink through the week after the kids went to bed, beer mostly.... that became not enough... I discovered the hard stuff.  ok ok, Back to my version of the why's,

Bad marriage

stress:

going through the adoption, are we going to be able to keep him? I worried all day about that, and sought relief at night, knowing Cub would be here in my absence

Matt's Cerebral palsy. My heart BROKE for him

My failing business due to the economy

My husbands year long Heart scare

bankruptcy- for the 2 reasons above = humiliation

anger towards Zeke's parents, our second special lil newcomer, they BEAT that 6 week old baby almost to death

hated my job

devils seeds of:

your parents divorced because of you

your dad doesn't love you

you sinned and got pregnant out of wedlock

you smoke

you had a miscarriage

a hysterectomy and no longer a true woman

God killed you Grandmother, your best friend, and Aunt Sharon

     The list can go on and on, I blamed God for all of this, turned my back on him, and the devil handed me LIQUID NUMBNESS!!  All of these lies, I gave satan the power to hold over me, the bad experiences that we had gone through I made so much bigger than what they were, I could not grieve and let it go, I could not Let Go and Let God!  I was in control, this was MY life and I was in control of NOTHING!  Anger, fear, hatred, and the drink.... they were in control!  I gave them power and control of me....

  I also was ignorant in Genes, that alcoholism is genetic, I was hard wired, so AA and science tells us, I still like blaming the devil (I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack) If I had only known then what I know now...

     In closing for now, my secrets are out there... ALL of them now, ha, and the devil can no longer hold them over me, the roots from trees that bare no fruit that had rooted through my body are shrivelled and gone, that I know! Like I said,  I've got him on the run, but I know he is planning an attack... so I pray, and I know others are praying, supporting and loving me, with each prayer, I put on armour, with each prayer I get stronger, with each prayer my heart softens, and my armour grows thicker, my sword sharper, my mind clearer... so pray for me, help me build my shield, I will pray for you, always... today as I see the Doctor, pray.

     Headed into work, have not been there in 3 days, it just worked out that way, woohoo, I wonder if anyone will see a change?  I know I see one... if they do awesome, God is great, if not God is still great and there will be tomorrow and maybe my little light will shine on them....and they too will be...... highandliftedup

To Run or Not to Run...

Day 2....

     What a different day... last night I went to an unfamiliar Church, sat with unfamiliar people, awkward!  NOT!  I was right where I was supposed to be!  I didn't know it then, but it didn't take long to grasp the gift I had been given.  I saw a Cross draped with Jesus, a Christian Flag,  (haven't laid eyes on one in years) the hanging lights, rows of chairs... some empty, but one less because I was there... WHAT?? I was there?? How did that happen... YOGA PANTS! and the fact I didn't have to get out of them, that was going to be my excuse not to go if I had to change...

     Upon entering, I did not see the couple who invited me... it for a moment, felt like walking into an AA meeting, UGH! TORTURE, I wanted to RUN!  But there was this guy who saw me peek around the corner, looking to see if I was in the right place... he asked me if he could help me, direct me... again AA, Run Jann Run!  I didn't, I just said Bible study... I dragged myself to the front of the Sanctuary, he shook my hand and said his name was Greg, or something, I was still panicking.  I told him I was a friend of the Sterling's, and they had invited me...I still didn't see them...RUN!  He handed me a paper for the Study, and like a good student, I found a seat, behind everyone else!  Got out a pen, and opened my Bible to the Scripture that was to be discussed...1 Thessalonians 5... BORING...NOT!  First of all, I had already had that passage highlighted from a sermon probably from 16 years ago... 2nd, (I challenge you to look it up) verses 6-8 talk about drunk and sober, and yes, I know there are a couple interpretations of this, but you are talking to an alcoholic.... RUN... Nope, I had to hear this!  One thing I am learning or hearing is that if i hear it once, and then twice, in the same day and it is coming from the Lord, there has to be a purpose...something meant especially for me... Me???? the unworthy, worthless, useless alcoholic. 

     The man began service, (BTW the couple that invited me came in Lisa was working with the kids, but her husband Steve came in and sat with me, so now I am not feeling as exposed) it was an interactive Bible study, and before I knew it, Greg asked a question and an answer popped out of my mouth. (Persecution)  I was shocked, I looked for puppet strings...there were none...blerg... another answer... I looked for a remote, maybe someone was changing my channel... before I knew it, I was sharing a part of my life to STRANGERS... I am an alcoholic, I have forgotten so many promises from God... I was angry with him, ran from him, hurt everyone around me... WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?

     I don't know where I am going with all this... but I do know I was right where I was supposed to be, while in service my dad called twice (thank goodness I remembered to turn my phone off)  I called him back and told him I missed his call because I was in Church... he was thrilled... proud of me...ME?  Yes Jann, You!...

     It is another 1 hour at a time kinda day, a better, brighter day, but still up hill... I know I am not alone.... that makes a huge difference, I am expecting 2 phone calls today from two special people  I have not talked to in YEARS!!   YEAH!  in the meanwhile, I am going to try my hardest being.... highandliftedup

    

  

Day 1 AGAIN...

     Where to start... need to stop...I cry, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...Where to start...need to stop, I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ...I self talk, I hear satan, I call out to Christ... this is the way my morning started out... I can not tell you what the rest of my day will be like, it is an hour at a time day.... My name is Janice, daughter of Tom and Joellen, and Martha. Wife to Edward, and Mother to Kate, Brock, Matt, and Z. Sister to Bob and Andrew.  I am an alcoholic addict. SHEW........ I said it, I have said it before to my brother, my mother, my husband and children, and even in AA. I just want to say quickly to anyone reading this and runs at the sight and sound of AA... STOP DON'T RUN.... because I run when I hear AA too... I went for a little bit.... I sat there quietly even at my first meeting the man running the group of alkies said I was the calmest and quietest newcomer ever, that at his first meeting he was all but jumping out of his skin, I smiled, shed a tear and just listened...
               
     My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 30 days, My name is------- I am an alcoholic I have been sober for 60 days, 90 days, 5 years, 7 years, 20 years.... My name is ------ I went to detox, it was the best and worst thing, people DIED there, I found God there, sobriety there.

     WHAT???? What am I doing here, I didn't crash a car like these people, I don't have any DUIs,  I am not court ordered here, I am not like these people! The anxiety AA caused me, or shall I say the anxiety I allowed AA to cause me was overwhelming, after each meeting I went to, I would stop and buy a bottle of wine...UGH...

     Definitely Not a Win!!  In fact that was a year ago, I am no closer to sobriety even now, it is another DAY 1.

     This time is different, I know it is and will be, I am not trying to get sober in secret, I have told my family and friends, I have admitted my downfalls. The devil can not hold this over me unless I allow him, unless I start self talking... (that's the worst) Self condemnation, even when you know you are forgiven, is just as damaging as the drink, I am worthless, useless, broken, unworthy of being liked and loved, forgiven, remembered... why are you here?

     In September, I was in a blind drunk, remember VERY little, the last thing I truly remember was playing Scrabble with my oldest, ... when I came to I did not know where I was... bandages everywhere, the pain, the pain the pain....... blood stained bandages covered my wrists, neck and ankles.  Where am I, what happened? What did I do? OH MY GOD what did I do... I yelled HELLO????

     After a few hellos, a beautiful woman walked into the room, "Hi sweetie, what do you need, want to make  phone call?"  Phone call? I just wanted some water, I just said ok... she helped me up, fix my "gown" and shuffle to the desk.  I turned around when the door slammed shut.... FEMALE INMATE SUICIDE... OH MY GOD what did I do?

     Some things started coming back... Ed and I had argued, I was drunk, mom came to get me and take me to her house, I asked to take a bath, she ran one for me, I got in... there was a blade... that's all I remember....

     The lady told me how much I would need to "get out", I called mom gave her the PIN to my Debit card and asked her to bring me the money and some clothes... she asked where I was, she thought I was in the hospital, and apparently I had been, I have no recollection, all I knew was that I was at the jail.  The lady walked me over to a computer, typed in some stuff and stood me against a cold white wall, FLASH, flash, turn, flash, turn, flash, turn... do you have any tattoos she asked... I said yes, FLASH!  Forever in the system, forever burned in my memory.

     I am sure through this journey I will refer to my jail bird day many a time...but for now I want to move on...

    I came home and swore to my mom, kids, husband, and myself that things would be different, better!  They weren't, I had hoped and wanted it, but addiction is a hard hard thing.

NOVEMBER... little things were changing, I would see a glimpse of God's blessings, mercy, beauty.  Things I had taken for granted, I would whisper a prayer, a start... I had not been on Facebook or talked to friends in 6 months... One November night I came home from work, and decided to get on FB... right there in front of me was a post that literally knocked me to the floor... a family member publicly professing the same addiction and overcoming it.... OH MY GOD! What DO I do?!?!?!?!?!  I called my family member ( I will keep the name to myself until I have permission to use it) I questioned said family... WHAT? REALLY? HOW WHAT WHY, then I talked to my family members spouse... we talked for a bit and advised me to call my dad.... MY DAD, whom I had estranged myself from, because again, I was not worthy of his love. 

     The Call... I knew right at that moment if I didn't call, I would not, and it would be another year, 2 years or my funeral before I involved him and the rest of my family and friends... My mom, Jo, answered the phone, btw, it was the middle of the night and they live near Cincy, I was crying as we talked, she gave the phone to dad, I again don't remember much, all I heard was him say.... I'M COMING.... (coming to ME? in the middle of the night? me? what? whats happening)  Mom stayed on the phone with me while dad made the almost 2 hour drive to Btown.... he was here, in my home, nothing but sadness and love on his face as he looked at his very broken daughter, completely broken, (yes I know I said it twice) Broken... he took me in his arms, talked to me, held my hand as I shared the previous story with him, it hurt him, I knew it did, he did not hate me, cast me out, kill me, run away, or disown me... all of which I allowed the devil to convince me of.... he stayed while I slept, I woke, we talked more, he stayed as I slept, stayed until I had to leave for work... while I slept, he talked with my husband and daughter whom have endured this paralyzing clay I had sunk them in...relief for them both!  Relief for me... I was no longer in a secret bondage, don't get me wrong I have a long way to go, but no longer in secret, no more secrets.  That has to be a key, I just know it! This time will be different... I truly pray, I drop to my knees, I cry out loud, I sob, I rebuke the devil and ask Jesus for Peace... and healing, as he has already given me forgiveness.  He revealed to me that I am loved, that He loves me, that I was worthy of His sacrifice on Calvary...

     These thoughts may seem scattered and they probably are because right now I am... but Jesus is here, and if my journey helps another, or just seeing my thoughts put down on paper help me it is not all for nothing.... until next time.... I am going to try and allow myself to be ...................highandliftedup